If you’d rather listen to the audio version of this content, check out my podcast episode, “Lost Libido? Find the Three Yeses.”
If you’ve found yourself feeling not-so-into sex - like you yourself never have the urge, and like even when your partner initiates, you’re noooootttt interested… but you wish you were, this article is for you.
And if you’re the partner who does want to have sex, whether you try to initiate or you’ve heard “nuh-uh” so many times you’re too discouraged to ask again… We need to have this conversation.
I want you to know that even though in movies and on tv shows, everybody seems rarin’ to go, all the dang time -- even the harried sitcom couples with kids coming out their ears -- out here in the real world, you two are not alone, if you find that one or both of you are singin’ the “want-to-want-to-but-to-be-honest-I-don’t” blues.
I want to introduce you to an important concept that will change the way you think and talk about sex with your beloved. This one notion - I call it the 3 Yeses - is responsible for COUNTLESS sexual encounters between married couples and partnered couples that would not have otherwise happened! And you’re next!
It will allow you to go from “no way” to “okay” to “NOW!”
It will allow you to initiate in ways your partner will respond to warmly… and perhaps, given time, with PASSION.
And it will give the two of you a better vernacular with which to communicate about your level of willingness to talk about the possibility of having sex.
SOMETIMES HAVING SEX IS LIKE WORKING OUT
Think about when you come back from vacation. It may have been an active vacation, or maybe you had a very slow vacation, where you were just playing around and hanging out. Regardless, when it’s time to get back into your exercise routine, whether it's going to the gym or hopping on your Peloton, it takes some doing to get back in the saddle.
But people who maintain an exercise habit over time have done so because they've re-established their habit. It's not just about starting the habit, it's about re-establishing it time and again, after an illness, or a particularly busy time at work, or travel throws off your rhythm.
Exercise is a great parallel for sex. And it's sad to think of it that way, because exercise is something that we have to exert ourselves to do, it's more work to do it or not. And you might not feel in any given workout, like it was really worth the time.
But we know that the way we feel overall makes the investment of time and energy worth it. And we know that we're adding days, months, years to our lives by being physically active. We're also improving the state of our brains on that day, and the days afterward by getting the endorphins going and by building more mitochondria and taking good care of our bodies and our minds.
Sex has all of those same benefits, and all the same challenges. Because when we're not in the mental space to go into the erotic zone, it can feel like another chore. And that's really sad when we think about it, that sex has become a “to do” but that does happen to just about everybody at some point.
We're biologically designed to be that way. Sex is a higher order function so when we're feeling stressed, it's great that we can deprioritize sex.
The problem is that how we live now, we're kind of stressed to some extent all the time. So there's always a way that sex can because it's a higher order function can fall down the urgency ladder, and get behind a whole lot of other things in our lives, from meeting our kids needs to meeting the demands of our careers, to managing our finances and taking care of our homes and planning our next trip and doing all the things.
Just like working out, we've got to prioritize it ahead of things that might feel more urgent in the moment but aren't truly more important to us.
I say all of this to make the case for doing something that is otherwise the least sexy thing in the world. And that is scheduling sex, prioritizing sex, saying yes to sex, even when it doesn't sound like the hottest juiciest idea we've ever heard. If we can give our erotic selves some grist for the mill, if we can find a smaller “Yes” when that raring throbbing pulsing “Oh-yeah-right-now-must-have-it-can't-think-of-anything-else Yes”, isn't available to us, then we create an environment that is more turned on that begets more sex.
Shared pleasure reminds us that our partner is someone with whom we have the capacity to share a lot of pleasure. When we don't have those things on a regular basis, it gets harder and harder and harder, it builds up in our minds as something that is hard to get to with this person.
Our identities can even shift to where we think about ourselves and our partners, as “not that sexual of a person.” I often hear women say “He just doesn't turn me on that much” simply because her partner hasn't turned her on that much lately. Perhaps it’s more accurate to say, you haven't turned you on that much, particularly in that person's presence.
INTRODUCING THE THREE YESES
There are 3 kinds of “Yes” from which we initiate sex or turn toward our partner’s initiation:
Arousal: this is physiological and/or emotional turn-on. The obvious “Oh, hell yeah!”
This is the place that most people tend to initiate from. And this is the place that people are looking for a lot of times when they decide whether or not to say yes. You may ask yourself “Does the initiation of the other person turned me on? Am I at arousal now?” And if we're not at arousal, sometimes we say “No, not tonight.” But some of us will say, "Okay, I could get there".
Interest: less intense than arousal, this is a place of engagement, with an intention to move toward the more vivid turn-on of arousal.
This is where we're thinking, “Yeah, I'm not in a state of turn on, but I could get there.” or "Hmm, good idea. I hadn't thought of that myself. But all right, let's do this". That's a viable Yes. We don't have to be turned on to get to turn on, we can start from a place of interest.
Willingness: even though sometimes our willingness can feel a million miles from arousal, this is the glimmer of “I’d like to be interested, even though I can't say I actively AM interested right now.”
Willingness is when you're down for showing up. For the next step beyond however your partner has initiated. And when I'm talking about willingness, here, I'm not just talking about the willingness to have sex, I'm also talking about the willingness to possibly move up to arousal, to really bring yourself to the encounter.
Note: I'm really big on making sure that we define sex in a much broader way than most of the culture does. So my definition of sex is not penis focused. It's not about penetration, and it doesn't end with male ejaculation. Sex is the whole experience of erotic connection. All of the kissing and touching and pleasuring of one another that happens outside of penile penetration is not just for play. It's not just the appetizer leading up to the main event. It is the lovemaking. So let's have more sex, starting with the notion that so much more is sex.
Let’s talk about what each of these Yeses looks like for you and your partner:
WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU’RE...
AROUSED:
The thing to remember when you're aroused is to attend to what level of “Yes” your partner is at. Are they at “unwilling”? Are they at “willing to find that Yes” to either lending you their body or to actually starting to engage themselves. Are they interested?
When you're aroused if you approach your partner in a way presumes that they're already aroused, you're less likely to “warm the space” (a term I learned in Waldorf parenting) for them, which is, you're less likely to build a useful onramp if you presume that they are already aroused.
Imagine walking up to your partner and touching them in a way that might feel great if they're in a really erotic turn on space already, but that might feel really invasive if they're not. So if you can titrate your arousal to match where they are, and engage with them in a gentle way, they're much more likely to be able to move up that ladder of “Yes” to meet you.
When you are aroused it’s important to communicate not just your need, but your desire. Often, when we are aroused, we can feel to our partner like we're being demanding, or like our need is another to do on their list. And even if they want to be accommodating of that, it can feel like a burden, if we aren't offering something, if we are inviting them into an experience.
Think about your vision for the connection you'd like to have when you're aroused and convey that to your partner in a way that is an invitation rather than a demand. Share with them what you'd like to experience with them, and ask them what they'd like, invite them in and see if they're up for moving up the ladder.
Another great question to ask them is “Where would you like to start given where you are right now?” At our house, if I'm not at all in an erotic space, and Kurt wants to help me get there, often, he'll just approach my shoulder with his hands or with his mouth and I can turn around with my back to him just sort of keep hanging out and not have to worry too much about being in erotic space yet, while he connects with all the nerve endings in my shoulder, and my neck and my back.
That skin is more receptive to him than other parts of me when I'm at “willing”, and that skin talks the rest of me into being interested. Once I'm interested, then I can engage more and turn around toward him and touch him. And then I can get aroused.
That's one example of how on ramps lead to on ramps, so we can go from the side street to the arterial to the highway, but we can't get from our driveway to the highway without a couple of level ups that are gradual and gentle.
INTERESTED:
This might be a time you're not likely to have initiated in the past, and I'm encouraging you to do so. Just as I explained in that example about me with Kurt, once I'm interested, then I can engage, but I have to do some engaging myself in order to get to arousal.
You're probably the same way. It’s often the case that men feel disappointed in themselves and like they can't initiate sex or they can't respond to their partner's initiation, if they aren't erect yet. But erection may be something that comes at the arousal level, and isn't there until you're up to the arousal point, don't worry about it.
Let yourself be interested. Let yourself kiss and smell and touch and talk and make eye contact and give and take and allow arousal to come. When it does, we can all take our time and lower the stakes and pressure ourselves less. And we'll have a whole lot more fun in the bedroom.
WILLING:
You can initiate from a place of willingness- if you’re not interested in sex but you know it's a good idea. It’s just like how you strap your shoes on and go for a run when you know it'll make you feel better. There's no way you're going to regret having done it, but you're not really in the mood.
There are ways available to you to go from willing to interested to aroused. You can remind yourself of all the reasons why you want to cultivate a connection with your partner, you can lower the bar (i.e. let yourself have a so-so erotic interaction, let yourself not have a goal). Try thinking in terms of just giving pleasure to and taking pleasure in one part of your partner's body. Just snuggle, just enjoy them, and get clear on the kind of connection you're cultivating and share with your partner. How does it feel to say, “You know, I want to be really close with you and I want to share pleasure with you. I'm not really in the mood right now, but the desire is what's pulling me forward.”
HOW TO ENGAGE YOUR PARTNER WHEN THEY’RE
AROUSED:
An aroused partner is probably the one that we know the most about how to handle, right? If you're already aroused, and they're already aroused, we know what to do with that. That's the place that makes people tend to think, “Oh, if sex came easily, that's where we would both be.” But that's fairly rare, actually. We get there, but we seldom start where we're both in that place.
INTERESTED:
How do you handle a partner who's interested, but not yet aroused? Well, this is your chance to play, your chance to flirt with them, your chance to engage and devote your attention lavishly to their breath to their pupils. When we're more aroused, our pupils dilate. Watch how your partner responds to your words, to your energy to your touch. What is opening them and what is shutting them down? Pay exquisite attention, and notice how they blossom.
WILLING:
If they're not yet interested. But they're willing, then start small. Like I mentioned, Kurt will sometimes do it with me. See if there's something that would feel good to them without any pressure. Would you like a foot rub? Would you like me to brush your hair? How would it be for me to put lotion on your back? Just find something that feels nice for them and for you, and enjoy one another.
These little experiences that we share, put deposits in the tank of sensuality, closeness, of simply being in an embodied way in one another's presence. And those deposits are what make us wealthy in love and eroticism.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This recognition of the Three Different Yeses we might have for sex helps my coaching clients to find their way to one another and connect erotically even when both of them are just at the willing place. Sharing pleasure begets more sharing pleasure. So it always behooves us to find the Yes we can find and to discern what Yes our partner may have. When we blow on those embers, that’s how we fan the flames of shared pleasure and desire.
So please, apply what you’ve learned here in your own relationship and I’d love to hear about what arises. I wish you amazing connection and delicious turn-on with your partner, amid your beautiful, busy lives. Every one of these Yeses is worth cultivating and celebrating!