So often, couples will come to me and at least one of them will say, in essence, "I want to feel more turned on in this relationship." But the way they talk about it has more of a particular tone:
"I want my partner to turn me on more" or
"I'm just not that turned on by him" or
"I'm not that turned on by her"
..as if our turn-on were created by our partner and brought to us on a platter.
My experience is that turn-on is something we create within ourselves.
Our turn on has a lot to do with a great many things that take place outside the bedroom, outside the erotic arena. Like how fair the division of labor in our partnership feels. Things like how respected we feel, how well heard and well held we feel.
Our turn on has a lot to do with how much we respect and appreciate the way that our partner takes care of their own aliveness, their own joy, their own physicality. And when any of those pieces is out of place, it can dampen our turn on.
This post will teach you the three ways people create their own turn-off. Then I’ll show you three ways you can, independent of anyone else, create your own turn-on.
We'll look at:
What happens when we don't turn ourselves on
What becomes possible when we do
Three ways to make sure you're turned off.
Three ways to make sure you're living your most alive, full self, just dripping in turn on.
Why does turning ourselves on even matter?
What does it make possible when we create our own turn-on?
What happens when we don't turn ourselves on?
Relying on our partner to turn us on makes our turn-on really vulnerable to their moods, to the chapter of life they and we are in, to the amount of time they have available to us, and to the current skill set and capacity they have for turning us on.
That's really a precarious position to put your turn-on in.
And that is the reason it's really crucial that we own our own turn-on.
For most of us, there's a lot of unlearning we have to do - things that we've been taught about sex by our culture. For instance:
that your sexuality belongs to somebody else
that you should only have it in relation to somebody else
our entire slut-shaming culture says that a woman is not meant to be sexual at all, to think of herself in that way or to express her sexuality deliberately herself until she's under the auspices of a proprietary relationship (i.e., married to a man). So whether or not you have that level of requirement of yourself, there's still a cultural story that men want sex more than women.
that women's turn on, women's libido, women's desire isn't as big as men's
that a woman’s sex drive doesn't function independently of their husbands' attention, of a man’s desire for her
But none of those are true and lived experience for a lot of women. When we own our turn on, it lets us really own the truth of our erotic nature that it is our and ours alone.
When we own our turn-on ourselves, we can use it as a source of energy…for ourselves. Our turn-on and our sense of our own juiciness and aliveness is like a renewable energy source for everything else we want to do in our lives.
If we don't turn ourselves on, there's not only that vulnerability to the vagaries of the business of life and our partner’s own fallibility, but we also lose a lot of agency over other things in life. It paints us into a corner of waiting for life to come to us, and waiting for the things that we desire to happen for us and settling for whatever we get, if they don't.
When you own your turn-on, you are laying the foundation for owning your life.
The ways we turn ourselves off
These three ways that we turn ourselves off are insidious, but they’re also really subtle.
1: Settling.
We turn ourselves off through tolerating-- telling ourselves, “This is as good as it gets.” Sometimes having it “my way” looks like asking for a change, or declining to do something, saying no to what's going on, and requesting something to be different.
But other times the path to getting my way, is paradoxically, actively choosing right where I am, and what I'm in. When I turn around something that I wouldn't have chosen and deliberately decide to choose it, then I get to have it my way simply by having chosen to use my sovereignty by embracing what’s so.
Sometimes having things my way looks like having my feelings about them, and then doing what needs done so I can embrace the emotions of frustration or disappointment, fear, or dislike, and then show up for them. So it's my way, even though it wouldn't have been.
The key here is that settling is the way to turn yourself off and choosing is the way to turn yourself on.
2: Disapproval
Disapproval is a fantastic way to turn yourself off.
When we disapprove of ourselves and other people and the experience we're having in the moment, we inexorably turn ourselves off. Allowing and embracing our turn ons, even inside an experience that we don't dig or a feeling that's uncomfortable, we can create a sense of approval; we can accept and enjoy the perfection of the experience alongside those uncomfortable feelings.
In intimate moments with our partner, we turn ourselves off by disapproving of what just happened, disapproving of what they're doing, or not doing, disapproving of our own body, or how we look or smell or taste or are experiencing this particular kind of touch.
When we get stuck in our disapproval, when we make ourselves or our partners wrong for what's happening, then we lose our agency to change it. But when we can approve and say, "Oh, that's great that that just happened. I love that the way you just touched me was painful. And I don't want you to ever touch me like that again. But I approve that it happened because now we can talk about it," then we're in a much better position to actually stay present and not have to shut down our erotic connection in order to correct for the thing that was painful or felt awful emotionally.
Approving doesn't mean we don't ask for a change. It just means we don't put that energy of judgment and rejection onto the object of our focus.
3: Disembodying
We disembody when we forget the life force flowing through us. You disembody when you numb yourself to all the sensations available in every moment, whether that's textures against your skin, temperatures, scents, tastes, or emotions. All these things are highly sensational. And when we're feeling that sensation, it's not all going to be sensations we prefer.
But when we feel sensation, we are available to turn-on. When we're not feeling but instead of thinking our way through life, or medicating ourselves with business, with food, drinks, drugs, medications, shopping, mental binges, then we're not available for turn-on. Turn on only and always happens in the moment. You must be present to win.
And if you ARE present, just about any sensation - even the ones that are your least favorite - can be experienced as a turn-on.
Three ways to turn yourself on.
Remember, my sweet persimmon: There are more than three ways to turn yourself on! In this quick post, I want to start with just three ways, ok?
1. Remember that you are the Divine incarnate
All of the energy and power of the Divine Masculine and the Divine Feminine flows through you and you can express and shine out that power at any time.
I know this may sound grandiose or overly “woo-woo” to you. It would have sounded that way for me in the past, too. But through practice, I am coming to realize, in an embodied way, the truth for me is that I came here as an expression of the Divine to experience this earthly life.
Whether you believe that or not, you could play with it as a “What if?” What if you were an emissary from another planet? Or what if you were the infinite itself, pretending to be one person? And you came to this planet to experience life as (in my case) Michele Lisenbury Christensen, and what if you knew you only had 120 short years (That's how long I desire to be here) to do it? Then what would you do with today? What's clearly on the docket to experience today? What has been served up to you?
Think, for example, “Oh, Kurt's leaving for work. What's available is to kiss him in this juicy way like he was just coming home when we had three hours to be alone together.”
Being available to experiencing all of life as if this were the Divine's only chance to experience it through you, lets us claim all the lightness in this moment. For me, it includes doing my yoga practice full out, drinking in the wisdom of letting blocks and blankets and bolsters support me so that I can go deeper, that wisdom of rooting down before I twist, rather than going for maximum rotation, and then it's employing those lessons everywhere in my life. That's what's available to me.
By wholeheartedly doing these things, I turn myself on. I love who I am when I show up in that way. I’m totally hot, to ME, when I let myself do that and then let myself witness myself in full expression.
2. The Orgasm Habit
You can also turn yourself on in a more explicitly sexual way. To do this, we can take ownership of our ongoing turn-on through what I call the orgasm habit. Make sure that you're swimming in orgasmic energy every day. What are the things that erotically turn you on?
A self pleasure practice that's truly delicious and not perfunctory is a precious part of turning yourself on. That means bringing awareness of your erotic alive side into how you dress, how you groom and adorn and then it means touching yourself in ways that bring you pleasure. It means finding a lube you love, and maybe a sex toy or three-they could be electric, gemstone, glass, stainless… So many options! - that help you reach new spaces of pleasure. And above all, it means giving yourself the time to refuel in this crucial way, not just to refuel your turn on for the sake of your relationship, but to refuel yourself as an orgasmic being.
So often when I ask people about their self-pleasure they share something I can relate to: they treat masturbation like a drive-thru. They “rub one out” as quickly as they can, like it’s another to-do to check off the list. I know! Been there! And it’s okay to sometimes “just get off.” But you know, everything you do is training and preparation. Everything. So if that’s how you practice sexual response, guess what? That’s what your nervous system wires up as “what gets me off.” The more perfunctory and formulaic you are with yourself, the more “just like that” your partner(s) will have to be to get you off… and the less pleasure you’ll experience in either situation. Switch it up, sugar. And take your sweet time. You’re worth it!
3. Find what’s orgasmic
What are the things that make you feel nearly orgasmic, even though they're not overtly sexual? These might be running, or singing, or pottery, whatever brings you wildly alive. These are your "unicorn space practices" as Eve Rodsky calls them. These are practices and projects that help you be the most interesting (to you) version of yourself. They're crucial to living turned on life, and to being available for turn on when you and your partner want to cultivate that together.
For me, unicorn space is writing and creating. Yoga is definitely part of my unicorn space, and playing with new poses that are just past my edge. I also try things that make me come alive in new ways. A couple years back, I created a burlesque act that had me out on my edge of vulnerability, creativity, and self exposure. To Led Zepplin’s “Immigrant Song”, I stripped from a full polar bear costume with a mask into a tiny white negligee with a massive white fur muff, as my iceberg melted. Hot endangered bear on an ever-warming planet. It was cheeky and confrontative and I loved every minute of creating and performing it.
I firmly believe that turned-on women, women who have come fully alive to themselves, women who claim and maintain that unicorn space are the key to solving the problems that ail the world. It's you baby, turned on, fully alive. Not you sacrificing yourself for the common good, but you adoring and embracing yourself for your own sake and allowing the common good to be served by the spillover.
If all of this sounds 1000 miles away for you right now, that might be a sign that you need support to be able to tend to your own turn-on.
If you want to know more about working with me reach out here or DM me on any social channel.
I love talking about what becomes possible when we take ownership over our own turn on. I hope that you'll think of at least one actionable strategy you're going to go and employ to let more of the divine life force flow through you today and every day. You deserve it, and the world needs it. Thanks so much for reading. May the light within you illuminate the world around you.