A lot of women come to me saying, “I wish he would kind of ‘take me by the wrist’!”
Or “I love how gentle and considerate my husband is but sometimes I want to be kissed hard and slammed up against the wall by his hips!” They want their loving partners to also be a little - or a LOT - assertive in the bedroom.
These yearnings fall into the category I call rough play. Rough play is different from BDSM in that it doesn’t necessarily involve B, D, S, or M: the B (bondage) or the D (discipline) or the D/s dynamic (Dominance and Submission - one partner in a more dominant role and the other submitting to their control during that particular scene or session), or the S/M (Sadism/Masochism, where one person is getting pleasure from receiving intense sensation (painful or otherwise) while the other is getting pleasure from inflicting it).
BDSM 101
Anybody who’s read or seen “50 Shades of Grey” knows of a few forms S&M might take, but just to be clear for those with little exposure to kink or BDSM, in my private work with clients, I expand the definition and give a few examples so you can experiment in a way that’s fun and pleasurable at your own speed.
BDSM is all about play. Like any other form of play, the fun is in improvising together and in sharing the power quite deliberately, with our own full consent. My perfectly middle-of-the-road clients sometimes come to me saying, “sex is nice, but it’s just not as hot as it was a decade ago.” They’re busy, they might have kids… And studies show that novelty is part of what drives turn-on. So when we can introduce a little bit of the unexpected - within safe bounds - that’s sometimes the key to rekindling some of that lost passion.
Consensual BDSM can be very healthy because it can:
Increase arousal, leading to more orgasms
Motivate us to have more sex or more active sex, which can be good exercise
Increase our heart rate, alertness, and energy levels throughout the day, in anticipation of something more exciting to come
Improve the quality of communication and intimacy between partners
More than all that, it’s a spiritually expansive experience for many people, because they get to explore taboo roles, desires, and emotional positions (to say nothing of the physical positions they might take!) that have been off-limits to them in the past, because of their family of origin, cultural conditioning, religious strictures, or just the limits of their own experience.
BDSM is sometimes thought of as dirty, disrespectful, or depraved. But the yearning for polarity - for one partner to be the pursuer and the other, the pursued, or one to be in charge, and the other to surrender to that strength - is pretty universal. And when a couple can both engage fully in that sort of play, by consent, and switch roles at times, if that’s mutually pleasurable, it can be utterly wholesome, caring, and normal.
Our lives today, with careers, insular families without the extended support people used to rely on during the child-rearing years, and the constant stimulation of social media and other advertising and input, have us “on” and in an active role from the moment we wake up. Deliberately choosing to slow down, to enter into a submissive space, or to focus enough on the present moment and our partner to be an effective, consensual dominant presence, is deeply nourishing.
The three keys to getting started with healthy, sustainable S&M play:
Consent is King AND Queen: ANYTHING can be fun and pleasurable IF it’s been agreed to. Being called terrible names, spanked, and made to scrub the floor might be exactly what you (or your partner) signed on for. If so, the experience can be a turn-on and a lot of fun. Inside consent, both parties play their roles. Once the play has ended, you’re free to return to your more customary roles and ways of treating one another.
Have a safe word: To ensure you’ve GOT consent and that it can be revoked instantly no matter what’s going on, agree together that there’s ONE THING either of you can say that won't be mistaken for anything but “STOP!” Muskrat is a good one, since it so seldom comes up, otherwise… At least in my experience (wink). If something hurts or feels not-safe or you have to go to the bathroom, you can say your safe word, and the game immediately stops.
Be willing to explore your edges: Time and again, I see people find pleasure in things they didn't know they’d be into. That doesn’t mean you need to do anything that feels BAD to even think about, but it means we can go places that feel like “not me” and find new facets of ourselves. So start with some things you both very much agree will be fun, no matter how small, and then branch out from there, as inspired.
Rough Play
Rough play, as distinct from BDSM, is simply engaging in a way that’s more aggressive than gentle. It might include acts like:
Biting your partner’s earlobe rather than just kissing it
Shoving your partner onto the bed or against the wall and kissing them hard
Scratching nails down their back or even digging them in a little
That aforementioned and often-craved pull on the wrist or pinning down of wrists during lovemaking
Harder thrusting
One partner surprising the other by moving the other’s legs to a different position or rolling both partners over so a different one is on top
When a partner is respectful, gentle, and kind most of the time, I have found that these kinds of vanilla aggression are VERY welcome… With one caveat: if your partner has experienced sexual trauma, their trauma can be triggered by a wide range of well-intended behaviors on a lover’s part. If it is, it’s not because they’re afraid of you or don’t trust you - it’s because their nervous system has danger coded into their sexual response and sexual situations, so think of it more like a peanut allergy. The immune system fights off the peanut, not the mind or heart. Same here: their nervous system goes on high alert, not their conscious mind or their feelings about you personally.
This is why it’s important to talk about comfort levels and consent before trying something new, particularly if it’s rough. Ask things like:
“Do you ever wish I would play a little more rough with you?”
“Is there any kind of aggression or assertiveness in the bedroom you ever fantasize about?”
“How would it be for you if we did a little bit of rough play? What would you like?”
I teach couples: always be sure to ask “how far is too far?” and always make sure you’ve established a safe word, that if either of you says it, all action stops. That word - choose one you wouldn’t otherwise use in the bedroom, like “parakeet” or something equally random - is the clear way to say “Here’s the edge of what I consent to. Let’s pause here.”
Studies show that different people register very different levels of sensation from the exact same touch, such as a caress, scratch, slap, or pressure, so it’s important to communicate about which sensations feel good to EACH of you. They will definitely be different. I’ve had clients establish 3 or sometimes 4 different levels of aggression so they both understand what they mean by the shorthand “level 1” (maybe hard kissing or gentle nips or pressure) or “level 4” (“this might leave a welt or a bruise.”) It’s totally okay for one of you to want to receive more roughness than the other does.
And it almost goes without saying, but not quite, that the recipient of rough treatment is the arbiter of how rough it gets to be. If you want to inflict more roughness than your partner wants to receive, take up kickboxing or a martial art or go to a rage room somewhere.
That’s the basics of BDSM and the distinction between bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism and masochism, and rough play. I hope this answered some questions and opened up others. I’d love to hear what other questions or desires you have. DM me on Instagram @michelelisenbury and I’ll reply to you and use your question anonymously to create more delicious guidance for everyone.