Single people who want to be partnered often say they “haven’t yet found ‘The One’” - that one special person who’s a just-right fit to partner with for good.
Partnered people who have conflict or frustration or unmet hungers in their relationship can sometimes question whether their heartache or headache with their partner means they’re not “The One.” I’ve helped many people look at how they can know “The One”when they find them - or already have them. From decades of experience with this question, I’ve distilled five key indicators that help you know that your partner is or isn’t The One for you.
If you can answer “yes” to all of these questions, your partner may be “The One”.
1. Is your partner willing to grow and change, so their life and your relationship can keep getting better?
In a long life together, you will both need to grow to meet the challenges of life. Many people resist the need for change, but you only need one partner to walk through those changes and challenges with.
So if you love someone who’s pretty sure they’re 100% perfect already and who therefore won't even consider flexing, learning, or adapting to differences between you, they’re not The One.
2. Does your partner love you for YOU, and want to be with you, regardless of whether you retain the superficial or material qualities you may have today?
For instance, if you lost a limb or your eyesight, if you lost the job or wealth you have now, or if your appearance changed, would your partner still care about and stick with you?
Sometimes people are absolutely crazy about one another, but that passion is dependent upon some transient facet of the partner’s being: youthful looks, which always change, relative income, which certainly can change, or a carefree nature, which definitely transforms as new responsibilities such as a growing career or becoming a parent are added to life. “The One” is ready to enjoy and support you even as some of your lovable qualities change.
Notice, though, that this criterion doesn’t erase the first one: if your partner invites you to grow and change in ways that allow for deeper love for both of you, that create deeper sexual chemistry that honors both of you, that expand your capacity for presence, honesty, vulnerability, and healthy closeness and distance… That’s not them not “loving you for YOU.” “This is just how I am” is not a legitimate response to the invitation to grow in love.
3. Can you both laugh at yourselves and at life?
This question is a tricky one, because it asks you to look at whether you are The One who can have a long and happy relationship with this - or any - partner. The ability to have a sense of humor about problems, to face difficulties and losses with resilience, and to take yourself not-too-awfully-seriously is central to creating happiness in your own life and in a partnership.
If you and your partner both have those qualities and can find lightness and a sense of hope together in the difficult moments, you might be The One for each other. If not, nope.
4. As you think about the worst of the heartache this partner will likely bring you over the long haul, is that heartache worthwhile in light of the love and support they’ll bring?
It’s actually pretty easy, if we look at our relationships with clear eyes, to see down the road.
For example, someone very charismatic and outgoing will be exciting and enlivening to be with, and probably always stoke your jealousy. If they’re addicted to attention from other people, that jealousy will eventually be rooted in searing experiences of betrayal and mistrust. The twinges of jealousy that you’ll suffer from a trustworthy extrovert’s charisma is likely worth it. The misery you’d suffer at the hands of a compulsively unfaithful heartbreaker isn’t a worthy investment. As interesting as they might be, they’re not The One.
Other dynamics that might fall into “worth it” or “not worth it” depending on the particulars include: substance abuse, compulsive spending or underearning, workaholism, unskillful emotional regulation, extended family entanglements, cultural differences, geographic challenges, occupational demands, fame or public profile, self-absorption, or that other one you’re thinking about. Just know what you know.
5. Do they love you as much as you love them?
If your partner loves you far more than you love them, they’re not your One, and eventually, you will feel smothered by their adoration and hate them for the needy feeling you get from them.
If you love your partner more, they’re not The One, because just as they do, you deserve someone who really adores you back.
So (approximately) equal care is a key litmus to know if they’re The One.
The other facet to this question: make sure you’re reflecting on “love” not just as an emotion, but as a verb: Do they show you love in word, deed, and self-control as much as you show them love in word, deed, and self-control?
If you are both loving, generous, considerate, and honest with one another through your actions, your communication, and your reeling in your most destructive tendencies, you absolutely might be The One for each other.
Those are the 5 key indicators of The One. I think you can tell by now… These have nothing to do with your Myers-Briggs type or your Sun sign or your birth order. They mostly have to do with capacity for healthy relating.
And the real measure of The One-osity (it’s a technical term!) is not that head-over-heels intoxicating passion we feel early in the relationship… It’s our willingness to dig in and learn more about OURSELVES in the most challenging moments. That’s how, like the Velveteen Rabbit became Real, we truly become soulmates. We’re broken in by the process of staying in and doubling down on love. And as we’re “broken in” in that way, we become the exquisite vessels of love we were born to be. We become The One.